Posted in Mental Health, Miscellaneous

Am I DELUDED?

Hey guys, how’s it going? June ended up being a shitty month. You know how you let yourself go a day or two or three and suddenly the month’s just gone and you’re left bewildered over how you let that happen. If you’re wondering, that’s me right now. I hope ya’ all are faring better.

I’ve been thinking about something for awhile now. I don’t know if it’s the depression talking or if it’s just the regular-weird-old-me. Every time I’ve felt down, or someone made me feel inferior or I’ve been mowed down by adversity or bad stuff in my life, I’ve turned to inspirational quotes I’ve saved, or words of wisdom by people who experienced difficult traumatic experiences and came out of it stronger. It’s always boosted me and helped me stand up again.

But what if all this time I’ve just been deluding myself? What if the encouragement, the inspiration from the sayings and quotes wasn’t real? What if I was only trying to feel better about myself when in reality I’m just seeing things as I want them to be and not AS THEY ARE?

Just to give a few examples:
1 – It’s just a bad day, not a bad life. (But what if it is a bad life?)
2 – Believe in yourself and you’ll be unstoppable. (Yeah, right, give me a break.)
3 – There’s magic in you. (Nope, I’m just an empty shell.)

I can go on and on, and debug every inspirational quote especially the ones about staying positive, even in the midst of the most depressing moments in life.

The one quote I’ve always found, without any shred of doubt, to be absolutely true is something that Sherrilyn Kenyon always says, “There are three sides to every story. Yours. Theirs. And the truth that isn’t clouded by human emotions that filter everything.”

So I’m always going to be biased because I’m only seeing my side of the truth and not the unvarnished truth, the reality of my life. And my mind can’t accept that. My mind wants clarity and keeps questioning everything over and over again.

Why am I like this? Why do I do these things? Why am I so slow in everything? Why, why, why? Who am I really? Every time I think I know, something derails me and throws me in for a loop.

Have I sent you spiralling into an existential crisis yet? If you hang around, I’ll get to you sooner or later.

~ Lyn

Posted in Mental Health, POC

Colored, Black and Brown and Blue

I am a person of color. My skin isn’t pure black, alas, I’m not lucky like that. Instead, my skin is brown. On top of that, I am Asian. For some, that’s a big black mark against me.

I am a person of color and I am proud of it. I ask myself, why should I have to state the fact that I’m proud of it, as if it’s something to be ashamed of? Why do I have to feel inferior and less because of my skin color? Continue reading “Colored, Black and Brown and Blue”

Posted in Miscellaneous

Life Update: 16 March 2020

Hola, peeps! I know I haven’t been posting as much. Things have been pretty hectic the past couple of weeks with my move to Canada and the 19hrs travel last Thursday to get here with the fear of the risk of catching the Coronavirus looming over you. Oh, man, I spent those 19 hrs and the stopover in Paris in a half-terrified state that I could catch it.

Immigration is already such a big risk and then you add the risk of this terrifying new virus on top of it and you’re a nerve-wracking mess. Life’s hard enough when you’re a new immigrant and now there are lesser chances of employment so I don’t know where to go from here.

I’m still getting my bearings, trying not to worry or stress about the future or the coming weeks. Well, as they say, “Que sera, sera.” I’m hoping for the best but I’m totally expecting the worst. That’s me. Any help, advice, tips are welcome. Mazel Tov! Prayers go to everyone affected by the Coronavirus.

∼Lyn

Posted in Book Blog, Mental Health, Miscellaneous

Life Update, Blog Update

Life Update

Hiya everyone! I know I haven’t been around for a while now. I don’t know if it was the depression, burnout or just life in general getting me down but I lost interest in both blogging and Instagram. I was kind of at a loss for inspiration and motivation and I kept asking myself, why bother? What’s the point of it all?

And the answer? I chose this. I chose to blog and to post on Instagram. Maybe there’s no point but it was my choice. It still is. That was a relief for me, because if I am not doing all these things what else would I be doing with myself? I’m going to try a different perspective to it all – to my life, to doing the things I want to do, to try to stay interested in things that bring me pleasure. Continue reading “Life Update, Blog Update”

Posted in Mental Health

Who Am I? (I sound like the Jackie Chan movie)

Do you ever feel like you get all these opportunities for free time so often and instead of utilizing that time wisely, doing all the productive things you want to do, you miss those opportunities by being a total sloth and lazing around and just wasting all that time away? Yeah, that’s who I’ve become, a total sloth. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I guess it’s pretty obvious I’m having a crappy Monday and a lousy start to this month.

I don’t understand anymore why I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I know better, and yet, it’s like there’s a disconnect between my mind and my body. I can’t seem to reconnect, to push my body to do what my mind wants to.

Albert Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

I tell myself I’ll do things differently but I seem stuck in the same vicious loop and I can’t break out of it. I told myself this month would be different but I already wasted the first two days of June, doing you’ll ask what? Nothing. That’s right. I did nothing. There were so many things I should have, could have done but I didn’t. Why?

I don’t know how to be different, how to get the results I want with all these dead-end roads I keep taking.

Will I be stuck like this? Always filled with regrets.

so obvious in hindsight

I know that there are no do-overs so all I can do is let go. Let go of the time I wasted, and instead learn from my mistakes. Stop punishing myself for what I didn’t see when I was in the moment but what is clear to me in hindsight. But the fact remains, hindsight sucks.

Here’s to hoping I don’t end this year with these regrets.

lessons learned

Posted in Book Blog

Still Kickin’

I am not dead. Don’t worry, people, this is not a ghostly note from the grave (though if I could do it when I’m dead, I totally would 😉 ). I had another bout of depression where the apathy had me in its grip so I let things go, didn’t really care if I went on or not, if I wrote or not.

I’ve shaken off that insidious snake (for now). Let’s see how long this period of clarity lasts, shall we? I’m determined to keep fighting, to try to stay stronger, to never give up. You know, this year’s International Women’s Day Campaign theme was #BalanceforBetter which was mostly targeted at a more gender-balanced world and equality. I’m all for that but I also think “Balance for Better” is more, that it can be a way of life. I think, everyone, woman or man, should strive for that balance in their lives. Continue reading “Still Kickin’”

Posted in Book Blog

Obsessive Reading 101

Hola, I’m back, baby! I’ve been AWOL lately and I sure hope I’ve been missed. 😉

I’ve had another bout of depression with a sprinkle of obsession during which I didn’t feel like blogging much or doing anything productive except for devouring the books in the Chicagoland Vampires series.

s-l300

The first 4 books in the series were really good but after that, the writing dragged at times and the repetition, and endless drama kind of turned me off. But I had to finish all the books in the series so I could read the first book in the spin-off series, Heirs of Chicagoland – Wild Hunger.

And yet, even though the remaining books in the CV series weren’t that great, I was stuck in my obsession to finish. I fast-read the books, making sure I got all the important events.

Now that I’m done with the CV series and I started Wild Hunger, I feel kind of at a loss what to read next. Because Wild Hunger isn’t keeping my attention. And the crash after binge-reading is like being shaken out of an insulated, drug-induced bubble and falling smack-dab onto a concrete floor of reality. Readers, have you ever felt like that? Any advice how to get back on familiar footing? 

These days I wonder if I’ll ever feel like me or if I’ll keep wandering and drifting.

my moods don't just swing

For the moment though I feel okay and I’ll take that as a win.

one foot in front of the other

So I’m catching up with my reviews and hoping to be more regular with blogging. Here’s to being more productive. Mazel Tov to me and everyone out there still fighting. You might fall down but get back up and keep going. Don’t give up. 

Posted in Book Blog

Fightin’

I woke up this morning and I thought, “I don’t wanna go to work.” So I called in sick and went back to sleep. Nothing wrong with that, right? Everyone’s entitled to bunk a day, right? Except I did the same thing yesterday. I had no will or energy to get up. No energy to face the day at all. I wasn’t going to talk about today on my blog. My journal took the brunt of it. Whenever I talk about depression, I try to write a fun, motivational post that maybe can help others as well. But today, it’s all about one foot in front of the other. And that’s okay.

one foot in front of the other Continue reading “Fightin’”

Posted in Book Blog

Fighting Depression

They say despair is the absence of hope. You find yourself struggling on the edges of it. Every day’s a battle. It’s waking up every day, facing people, facing the world. It’s facing discouragement, failure. It’s facing your own faults, your shortcomings. It’s sinking in a sea of nothingness, untethered, adrift, lost and being unable to find the will to care. Continue reading “Fighting Depression”

Posted in Book Blog

Dance, fun or torture?

Lately, I’ve realized something awful — I stopped dancing. I used to love to dance. Just put on the music at home and let the beat sing in my veins and move. Just let go. I don’t know what happened or when I stopped dancing—did I become self-conscious? I can’t remember the last time I put the music on loud and danced.

grow old.jpg

These days if I put the music on loud, it’s mostly when I’m doing chores. I think it helps me get through my chores (I could get a prize for procrastination) if I’ve got music in the background and of course, you can hear me belting it out loud. My neighbors probably wonder who’s the cat screaming next door.

What is it about music that it lifts us from our mundane lives and makes us feel like we’re in a vid where we’re our own rock star? If there’s anything that comes even close to magic, it’s music. The people who create music from notes and instruments, from their voice—those artists, they’re the magicians.

And dance? That’s another art that has the power to make us feel like we’re more. There is such joy in dancing. Such fun.

not sure happy dance

After my epiphany (how I wasn’t dancing anymore), I decided to make a more conscious effort this time and try some dance choreographies. You’ve heard of 1MILLION DANCE STUDIO? You must have. They have an amazing channel on youtube and their dance choreographies are pretty awesome, especially Junsun Yoo. They’re based in Seoul, South Korea (too bad for me. If I was living in Seoul, South Korea, I’d be camping on their doorstep).

Even though I love dancing, I’ve never gone far enough to try to learn a choreography and actually learn some cool dance moves. I thought what’s a better way to get back to dancing than to learn a cool choreography, especially of your favorite songs?

So, I rolled back my sleeves and did my first practice session. I’m trying to learn one of the beginner choreographies, after warming up and everything. Holy Mother of God. Did I say I loved dancing? My body’s like a block of wood. My movements, awkward. Pinocchio has nothing on me. I’m like a wooden puppet pulled by strings.

I don’t remember dancing being so hard.

But when I got through the first hour (yes, you heard me—it took me an hour to learn the first 10 steps—and this is Beginners’ dancing), I did feel a change. My body wasn’t as wooden as when I first started. I don’t know yet if I’ll ever get back to when my body felt so loose when I was dancing but at least, I’m trying.why be moodyMusic and Dance are two of the best creations in the world. I believe that even as we grow older, we should keep singing, keep dancing, no matter what’s happening in our lives. Our problems will still be there but what will change is Us. We’ll be better for it, stronger. Our bodies looser, stress-free. Our minds, lighter. Isn’t that worth something?

worth it